21 July 2005

Now would be a really bad time to make a post that actually said anything at all.

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19 July 2005

The problem with working a 12-hour shift when you usually don't is that you get home dead tired but far from ready to go to bed. Accustomed to having a certain amount of time after work, you feel kind of robbed when you look at the clock and realize that you really should be sleeping by now.

Payday seems like little consolation. Money will come and go, be earned, be spent, be earned again. Look hard enough and you will find ways to get more of it. Time, on the other hand, is far more fixed a commodity. You cannot earn it back, win it back, borrow it to get you through. And I only have so much of it that I'm willing to devote to the business of making more money.

On nights like this I resent the need to sleep.

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12 July 2005

Last night when I arrived home from work, I found that a spider had woven a perfect web in the most poorly-chosen of places: right between the outside wall of my house and the handle of the front door. Sadly, I had no choice but to destroy the poor creature's work in order to enter my house.

Later, I returned from a barbecue at a friend's house, only to discover that the same spider had done it again.


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06 July 2005

So much for the hard part.

Yes, it's been a long time since I've posted here. Moving into a new place will do that to you. But this was well worth it. Finally, I got the router and the network cable that was necessary to put this little G3/350 in the basement and give it the power to slide into the slipstream of the ether.

My space is operational.

Cluttered, being used for storage, piled with extra chairs and boxes and general stuff that hasn't found a home in this place yet. But it's up and running. The rest will come in time.

Phase One Complete.

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9 June 2005

It's coming along. It seems that if I'm involved in any project, there is a whole phase that must be suffered through before any work can actually begin. Pre-work. Getting ready to work. It has always been thus.

Several years ago I wrote an essay entitled Why I Ought to Do My Dishes. In it I described the whole shamozzle I had to go through before I even wrote anything. This is, of course, representative of things other than doing my dishes.

And sadly, it is no different here. Because I can't do anything the right proper way. No. Every major undertaking in my life serves mostly as a painful reminder of all of the minor undertakings I've failed at. Realizing how many things I must catch up on before I even begin the current task, because my life is in no state to take on anything.

I exist in a perpetual state of unpreparedness. This is my Achilles' heel. I am prepared only for what already is. Not even for what I know is coming.

But I've learned a few things. I've gotten better at a couple of things, at least. But I've learned far more slowly than I'd prefer.

And I know these things take time. The question is how much time I really have.

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5 June 2005

This rearrangement. Things finding their places like they'd actually had a place all along. As though this process were more about discovery than creativity.

This new space feels better in every way. More distinctly representative of the identities that are to inhabit it. Like it knew we were coming. Knew what we would need. And is now quietly telling us how to best position ourselves.

And in this time and space, this upset, this shuffling of things, there is a growing sense that the major renovation I've been searching for and trying to effect might not have been possible until now. Or perhaps it was possible, but only barely, prior to this.

Hopes and ambitions need places no less than the rice cooker and the screwdriver do. And in that old space the only place they had, the best possible solution to the puzzle, was crammed into a box in a fogotten corner of the basement. Difficult to get to and easy to ignore.

This space fits. So much better. But it will take a little time to put on.

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