31 January 2005 The newest arrival: Hagrid. This guy was kind of a pity purchase. When I found him in the pet store, most of one of his legs was missing and it appeared that all of his claws had been broken off. At first I thought it was stress. Now I think he was clinging for dear life to something, perhaps a log, when someone tore him right off it, leaving claws and much of one limb behind. Pathetic. I'm honestly not sure if he'll make it past a week. But there was no way he was going to recover in that pet store tank, with so many other crabs around him and customers pestering him constantly, noise all around, dirt instead of his native sand, not nearly enough humidity... all the others in with him seemed well enough to at least stand a chance. But he was in rough shape as it was, and chances were slim that he was gonna get picked by some benevolent eight year-old with a gullible mom. "Ewww, this one's missing a leg, put him back... take that nice one with the pretty painted shell, dear..." The past thirty hours have been the closest thing to peace and quiet he's probably had in a long time. And he seems to be recuperating well enough. Here's hoping... Read Comments (6) | Add Comment

29 January 2004 Hey everyone! Go check out the newly added photo gallery! Link to your left... Lemme know what you think. Read Comments (0) | Add Comment

27 January 2004 The best one so far. Hard to believe that was a clear blue sky. Read Comments (2) | Add Comment

25 January 2005 Without a doubt, it's starting to get to me. Too much for too long. And they always ask for more, offering little in return. This is not what I signed up for, and it doesn't even remotely resemble what was promised. I didn't want it to begin with and I want it even less now. My long-time regular readers will know this story, and will know that this wait has been going on for as long as I've been writing this blog. It has been the same story all this time, and I'm sure it's getting tired. I'm getting tired. Of the story and of its telling. But it is too much of a determining force for me to ignore. There is only so much separation between vocation and identity. I would like, in fact, to minimize that separation. Not by becoming what my job demands of me, but by pursuing the vocation my identity is demanding of me. And I've spent a long time waiting. They say it's darkest just before dawn. But then, they also say it's always darkest just before it goes pitch black. It isn't quite pitch black. But the horizon isn't lightening too much, either. Read Comments (3) | Add Comment

24 January 2004 Today will determine much. Once again, my future rests on the abilities of someone else to occupy the space that I once occupied. This fight has gone on too long, and hasn't become any easier; it would be difficult to overestimate the frustration that comes with the knowledge that my own advancement has little or nothing to do with my proven abilities anymore. Like moving through water. Displacing so many molecules as I move, the pressure on three sides pushing me back to where I'm trying to move away from. This vaccuum effect is tiring. I need a little back pressure for once. Some lucky current. Just a little something to carry me forward for once. Read Comments (0) | Add Comment

22 January 2004 Testing again. Read Comments (2) | Add Comment

22 January 2004 Testing. Read Comments (0) | Add Comment

21 January 2004 Friday night, and the higlights of the night were getting GIMP running in OS X and watching Deep Space Nine with the missus. Wow. I really am a nerd. Not even a geek. Just a nerd. Geeks make money being geeks. Even as I type this my cat is giving me that look that's either saying "Aahhh, a nice hard shelf to lie on" or "You putz. You're pathetic." But I don't really feel pathetic, and yes, I'm comfortable with that. Read Comments (0) | Add Comment

20 January 2004 One more day to go. And all I can think is that I don't want to go to bed. It's another one of those nights on which the world just seems too fascinating to sleep in, for fear I might miss something. Or perhaps that's just a concious excuse for the subconcious fear of morning. Not tomorrow, but specifically morning. Of feet hitting the cold floor, that feeling of being rushed, the chill of a vinylised steering wheel and a wind that seems to ignore your physical presence and carry on right through your body like you were made of chicken wire. I have felt this way much of this week. And possibly much of my life. At least in winter. Read Comments (0) | Add Comment

16 January 2004 Today: the worst it's ever been. Looking up, though. Read Comments (4) | Add Comment The World Beyond Sight A pic from my first roll of infrared film. So if you were wondering what's been keeping me so busy, this is it. Tricky stuff, this IR. Begbie showed himself tonight, and it appears he's just successfully molted. I have now had him for over a year. So a big happy one-year to my little hermit crab. Tried a couple of IR shots of him on the current roll; we'll see how those go. Tired. Should go to bed. Read Comments (1) | Add Comment

9 January 2004 This house is quiet. But there are noises all around, the heat vent humming like a distant choir, the faint sound of this monitor buzzing, or rather ringing, like an old style alarm clock wound too tight and wrapped under many blankets. It is one of those days in which I find myself wishing I could stop the world, freeze everything, and just be. With nothing on its way, nothing impending, nothing looming. No one I need to deal with. No one. A bender of antisociality. It frightens me to think this. It frightens me that I perceive so little in the forseeable future that I can look forward to. Everything seems devoid of anticipation today. But this will pass. Like the effect of some strange drink. A shot of melancholia with a pessimism chaser. And a bowl of shelled self-pity on the bar. Permit me to go slap myself and snap out of this. I'll be just over there. If I'm not back shortly, come beat me up or something. Read Comments (1) 3 January 2005 The new year. I'm not sure I'll miss the old one. It had its moments, but overall, it doesn't rank that high. Checking the Short Fiction folder on my hard drive and looking at all of the barely-started projects in the basement shows me just what an unproductive year it was. There was a great deal of wasted time. Enter 2005. And did it ever enter. In a quiet, unassuming kind of way, such that the significance of it all nearly escaped me. But three days into it, I realize the immense possibility that it heralds. So much is new. Some material things that are so much more than stuff. Things that make ideas explode, then expediate their realization. And some immaterial things that came of their own accord. So what if 'taking stock' at New Year's is cliched? It's as good a time as any. Looking back at the things I found one at a time in the past 365 days. Seeing for the first time how they all fit together. Not a perfect fit, perhaps, but enough to make a functional machine. A machine that enables its own improvement. And how did someone build the first lathe? It must have been crude and unreliable. But it was just good enough to make the parts that would be necessary for a better one. I guess this is how it goes. And I think I know what I'm doing. Read Comments (0) | Add Comment